Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Old journal entry.....

Well I wanted to share something with you guys. Its very personal,  but I feel like opening up...so there.! lol
I found an old journal from late 2010 and Wanted to share with you a page out of it....This was a very dark time in my life and it is so amazing to see how much I've changed and grown since then! So i really wanted to document this and share with you all who actually read this.   haha

                                                           Journal entry dated December 5th, 2010
Well Today I failed again. Today,  like many other days I let something get in  the way of my dream....more like obsession.  To be thinner.  To lose this weight. being overweight has consumed me.....so then why if it bothers me so much, can’t i last more than a few days at dieting or exercising?  Why do i find it so hard to be motivated?
This is holding me back from so many things that are important to me.  It makes me uncomfortable and unhappy.  I feel like (even though he may disagree) my  husband isn’t attracted to me and that breaks my heart. I stress about things i shouldn’t stress about....like what makes me look the least fat....or how in order to start a family i need to get skinnier in order to have a better pregnancy and so that the actually getting pregnant part will happen. Lets be honest....i’m not really into being intimate when i’m so uncomfortable with my body. That's not fair to him.  I also stress about seeing people i knew in high school in public...seeing how big I got.  I stress about the actual losing weight process and how despite the fact i have to do it,  how much work needs to be done, and then i get depressed and eat some more. I also stress about my marriage,  I know My weight has placed a hole in our marriage....and caused a strain as well. not because of him per say.  But because of me.  When i’m on my way out the door and see how awful i look and hate the way i look in clothes, it ruins my whole day. and i take it out on him.  Or just the simple fact that i don’t love myself. How can I let someone love me,  when i don’t even love myself.
I then think about how unfair it is to go through all this and some people are blessed with a nice figure or awesome metabolism. But that’s just stupid and not fair to blame them. I'm just making excuses,  trying to make myself feel better instead of doing something about it.  Shame on me.
You would think, all this i feel and am able to write, well if I’m that unhappy. then why is it so hard to get serious.  Good question.  I wish I could answer that. one day I hope i can look back at this and be thinner, or on my way to be, or at my goal weight.....just anywhere but here.  And be proud of myself. And let this version of me, this letter just be a memory,   a past experience. And not reality. One day I will get there. And by then I will know why it took so long. 

(((Scroll to bottom to see my letter to myself i just wrote....felt like she ^ (the old me)  deserved a response)))

So There it is. Its so crazy how far I've come just in the past months. I'm so happy already and i still have 37 or so pounds to go.  I find myself loving myself a little more each day.  Not to say being thinner is all it takes to love myself. But just in general, accomplishing something, and seeing changes in myself that i love and am proud of.  My marriage is better than ever and I just have so much to look forward too. I'm so glad something finally snapped inside me. To answer my own question that my old self wrote....I just was not ready at the time. Nothing would have changed that. You can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I was not ready or strong enough at the time. But now I am. :)

Thank you all for reading. Sorry for the serious post,  but this is real. This is me.  Until tomorrow! 

(tomorrow i plan to show off my new nail project and also to share a couple recipes! )

Dear self,
       I just read your letter and you wished to be anywhere but there and you hope you one day would be well on your way to being happy and meeting your goal.  Well congrats! you are!  We are rather......is it YOU or ME or US? This is rather confusing haha. I'm so proud of you.  Your beautiful and funny and smart and such a loving and caring person. you've grown and matured and accomplished so much already. It will only get better from here. I will not let you fail,  or go back to that. Only look ahead,  don't look back. There is nothing back there for you. Keep your eyes in front of you and keep doing what your doing. Remember that your worth something. You said you would know by then why it took so long. It doesn't matter.  It took. That's all that matters. And You are proud of yourself. :)  Love you (finally) Self!!!

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